Bittersweet

Today I saw my last patient at the hospital. We still have 3 days left at the hospital--all wrap up stuff and goodbyes, but no more patient visits. For my last day of patient care, it was quite an eventful one! I had never responded to a "Code Blue" before (an announcement over the hospital speaker saying that a patient is in cardiac arrest and the code team needs to respond) but I had to respond to not one, but two today. Thankfully both patients ended up okay. Even with all the trauma of the day... I was very sad to say goodbye to my last patient. I tell my unit staffs goodbye on Thursday and that will be even harder as I've grown attached to some of the staff and loved being a part of a team so big. All that to say is that I am so grateful for this opportunity that I've had at Methodist but it's sad to end.

Thanksgiving A-Z 2007

Last year for the first time I created a list of things I was thankful for in the year 2006 going from A-Z. It was a really neat exercise and way to reflect--so I decided to continue this tradition with 2007.

Arcadia Methodist Hospital: The past 3 months I have been a full time chaplain at Methodist. It has been a life changing experience--growing me more than I have in my entire life. Methodist has given me the space and people to grow and transform with. Here's a picture of my group (minus Carol) out for dinner on our special CPE field trip to see Wicked.

Bible: Yes, I have been thankful for the Bible before--but this year I have a new appreciation for it. After failing the Bible Content Exam in February I made the resolution to actually read the Bible straight-through from beginning to end. Each night I've tried to read about 20 minutes of it, I've made it to the middle of Isaiah. Who knows if reading it will actually help me pass the exam--whether I do or not, I've been so blessed and enriched at getting a bigger picture of the stories and themes that God continually tells in Scripture. Those 20 minutes at night have become one of my favorite parts of the day!

Curly Hair: I tried a new hairdresser that told me I have curly hair. I responded to him, I know that...I just can't control it. He gave me some product so now, if I choose I can wet my hair, put some product in, and walk out the door in 5 minutes. After struggling with straightners, hairdryers, and spending way too much time in the bathroom trying to tame my curly hair; I am now embracing it, and waking up later and that, is a beautiful thing!

Discernment: Since coming to Fuller I've been anxious about what's next for me... This year I feel like I've been given a bit more discernment in that. Through my Reformed Worship class, church and Presbytery people, and CPE, I feel like God is pointing me to continue to the next phase of the ordination process to become a candidate. And while that still leaves a wide open door of many options after graduation I feel more peace about my future than before.

Emergent: I took an Ethics class this summer in which part of studied the ethic of the Emerging Church. I had previously written off the Emerging Church, but in taking this class I have a new found respect for many of the values of the Emergent Movement. I am still deeply committed to the PC(USA) denomination and was curious at how to reconcile the two. I was thankful to find a movement that dialogues between the two--check it out at www.presbymergent.com

Fine wine and good friends: This year I've expanded my taste buds to liking wine. And in that, I've discovered how much fun dinner parties are with good friends, good wine, and good food. This fall a group of us started a weekly potluck to watch the TV show Beauty and the Greek. We each take an aspect of the meal every week and rotate hosting at each others' apartments. I look forward to that time each week anticipating the laughs and moments of sharing that I know I'll find during potluck.

Gardens: My biggest complaint about LA (and I really don't have many) is that there is no good places to frolic. I need a place that is open, filled with nature, that just inspires one to frolic. For my birthday/Christmas present two friends combined their resources and got me a membership to the Huntington Gardens. It is an absolutely gorgeous place. It has been my haven--place to go read amongst the trees, smell beautiful roses, and drink the best tea I've ever had. Doesn't this look like a great place to frolic?

House Sitting: This year several families from my church have temporarily employed me to house sit and dog sit. While my apartment is spacious--nothing beats the feeling of a home in the suburbs (it's the part of me that misses Richmond). The other perk is I get paid to hang out with adorable dogs! My most frequent job is dog sitting for a beautiful golden retriever named Mack. This is a picture of Mack's owners--two adorable kids in a family that I've loved getting to know over the past year from San Marino.

International cuisine: Ever since I had surgery over a year ago--I get so much joy trying new types of food. One of the things that is so wonderful about the culture of LA is the varieties of international foods. On a junior high mission trip that I helped lead this spring I had the chance to try Nicaraguan and Armenian. During Oktoberfest I had some good German food. And while it's not that exotic of a food--I have fallen in love with sushi. And of course, I'll go for some good Thai anytime.
I feel blessed to live in such a diverse city.

Julie and Amy: While at Fuller I went through an experience that most go through during college--living with roommates. This past year I've had two roommates--I lived with Julie for a little over a year, and Amy took her place in September. It's fun to get to know a person in the way only a roommate can--and I feel fortunate to have had each of them.

Kilometers—Five Kilometers: I made a goal with myself after surgery that I would run a 5k--it took me a year to actually do it, but I did it in August. Finishing the 5k was exhilarating and I got hooked. Since the 5k in August I have run two more. It has kept me in shape and got me started on what I've found to be a great stress reducing habit. I have found one of the best remedies after a long day to get on the treadmill and run hard.

Life-giving: One of my fellow chaplains constantly asks us to try and name what we consider life-giving. Having thought about it in the past 3 months I have found myself very thankful to be able to have resources of places, people, and activities that are life-giving--many of which are named on this list.

Macs: In September I made a huge switch--after years of having PCs, I bought my first Mac! I used Apple's Back to School deal and got a free IPod and Printer in addition to a nice discount off my Macbook. I have loved the simplicity, speed, and large numbers of possibilities that I'm discovering on my Macbook.

New Uses for Paint: There are many walls in my apartment. In order to cover some of these wall--Julie created her own artwork. I loved this idea and gave myself and 3 friends--Becca, Sophie, and Sarah blank canvases and paints. It was so neat to see what we all came up with and now I have a beautiful display on my bedroom wall. Becca created another painting for me for Valentine's Day--the verse John 3:16 written in Greek, English, and Latin. That is on my kitchen wall.

Opportunities to decorate: In addition to the homemade paintings I've enjoyed buying things for my apartment. One of the most fun purchases that I needed to make was dishes. I spent at least 45 minutes in the Target dish aisle to pick a set out. There is something empowering about deciding how I want my space to look like.

Pointy Toed Shoes: I received a letter a few months prior to starting my internship at the hospital outlining the chaplain dress code. For women that means, a suit everyday and close toed shoes. I knew that finding suits and shoes would be quite a challenge for my oddly sized body so I set out early. Surprisingly I found the suits easily and got them to the tailor right away to be altered. The harder part was finding shoes. One day Becca and I went to every story in the mall and could not find size 4 professional dress shoes. A few days later when I vented about this to Robin (who is also 4'11'') she mentioned that there was a shoes store in Houston that specialized in selling odd sized shoes. Ironically, I had a trip planned to Houston a week later in which Robin had picked out 2 beautiful pairs of size 4 shoes--just in time to start my internship. Those shoes have been with me all 3 months, and I've learned that wearing pointy toed shoes seriously builds confidence.

Quiddith: Years ago when the first Harry Potter books were written I read Books 1,2, and 3. I lost interest in reading the rest of the books once I started college. I had enough reading--why would I read for fun? This summer as all the frenzy about the release of the final Harry Potter book was building I decided to try reading the books again. In two weeks this summer I read Books 4, 5, 6, and 7. And I was one of those people who reserved my Book 7 ahead of time at Borders and picked it up the day it was released. This summer I am thankful to have escaped into the wonderful world of Hogwarts.

Robin: When I attended Cursillo in November 2006, Robin was the weekend moderator and later I found out she was my prayer partner. She and I clicked during the weekend and have stayed in touch since Cursillo sending each other frequent long emails. I have also stayed with Robin and her family three times this year as I traveled to Houston for Cursillo events. Her sweet prayers, advice, and friendship are a huge blessing to me.

Selah: This April I led a group of middle school youth on a mission trip to downtown LA. It was a slightly chaotic trip with lots of group dynamics to think about and jam packed days of service sites. But the devotional material for the weekend that I used taught about the Hebrew word "Selah"--to pause. If you read throughout the Psalms you will notice that "selah" is frequently used. As I continuously told the kids to slow down and "selah" I realized that God was teaching me to "selah." It never amazes me the lessons that I learn in those quiet moments of pausing. At one point the kids drew on their hands reminders to "selah."


Triple A: During one week this fall I had a flat tire, a car battery die, and my check engine light go on. The flat tire happened first and thankfully I made it to my job at the hospital and used a friend's Triple A membership to get the spare tire put on while I worked. Two days later I was shocked at 11:30pm when my car wouldn't start. After getting a ride back from a friend, I signed up for Triple A online and they came the next morning to the hospital parking lot and put a new battery in my car. And a few days later when my check engine light came on, they drove out to the house I was at and looked the car over and deemed it okay to drive. Car problems are never fun and I recognize my ignorance at how to fix cars, but now I am thankful for the resource of Triple A!

Unlimited to do lists: Sometimes my brain is a bit scattered but this year I discovered a way to help that scatter--to do lists! I found that if I woke up each day and had written reminders and tasks for myself that I was much more productive. So now, when times get busy I have a new strategy that seems to be working well, to do lists!

Vists to Houston: I made 3 visits to Houston this year. While all 3 visits were Cursillo related events, it was the community there that keeps making me go back. The relationships I have in Houston are unlike anything I've ever had before--and for that I am thankful and wishing that Houston wasn't 2,000 miles away. Here's a fun sign that Robin's kids made for me welcoming me to Houston...


Wicked: For my birthday I went to see my first Broadway Musical ever--Wicked. Since my birthday I have seen the show two more times and listened to the soundtrack countless times. I love the story--a beautiful tale of transformation and redemption; the music--powerful lyrics and very talented singers; and set--absolutely gorgeous. I highly recommend it.

X-rays: X-rays have shown me this year that I am still healthy post surgery in August 2006. Life without Crohn's Disease is one of the biggest things that I am thankful for!!! Good health is a blessing.

Young Life: Around March I took a job as the Logistics Director of the Student Leadership Project. It's a partnership between Young Life and Fuller Seminary. I worked with Chap, a professor at Fuller, in planning the details for 30+ Young Life high school juniors who attended a leadership development two week camp. It was an absolutely blast to be a part of such a great organization. I am starting to work on the details for next summer's camp now.

Zephyr's: Okay, this is my one repeat from last year--but I have to be thankful again for Zephyr's. Because without it--and another coffee shop--Beantown, I would have a very, very hard time getting my schoolwork done. So I am thankful that I have a haven--outside of the Fuller library to be productive.

Happy Endings

I’ve had some time away from the hospital this week and that has given me some much needed to both rest and reflect. As I was driving to church this morning I thought about a party that I think summarizes a lot of my reflection. A friend of mine had invited me to go to a Halloween party hosted by some friends of hers. "Wear my fanta costume another time, sure!" I thought. Just before we left for the party she said, “oh yeah, it’s an AA Halloween party.” That perked my curiosity, an AA party... But leaving the party I felt rejuvenated. The party was a blast—there were couples, families with children, and singles all dressed in their finest Halloween attire. I loved watching people interact. Some of them called each other special names—“sober Suzanne” or brother and sister. In interacting with them it was clear that they knew deep intimate facts about one another—each other’s histories, hardships, joys… And I knew that they were supporting one another in this journey to become healthier people. While I'm sure that AA is not an easy process--seeing this was a joyous thing. A group of people helping each other and leaning on God to have happier endings.

Happy endings. Back in September, that’s what I said that I was most not excited about CPE. I said—I like happy endings. The hospital doesn’t always have happy endings. Death. Losing one’s independence. Chronic sickness. I have learned that life isn’t always happy endings, and I need to accept that. And sometimes things that don't seem like happy endings to me really are happy endings to others. The AA party was so exciting to me because I saw people actively headed towards a more whole lifestyle. And there are many in the hospital that are actively working towards more whole lifestyles. But there are also those that are not. It was a huge contrast—the party signified life to me, not death. But God gave us both life and death. The quote from Ray Anderson hit me again. To paraphrase him he said that, “love has to be big enough to encompass the tragic.” He went on to say that when a person is born, it is inevitable that a person will die. A birth means another grave must be dug. Wow. What an unpleasant picture. What a truthful picture. And this image was reinforced as I was doing my nightly devotion time last night. Ecclesiastes 3:20 says, “all come from dust and to dust all return.” This is reality. I hate this reality sometimes. But this is reality. I trying to make my love bigger to encompass the tragic.

Halfway

On Monday I begin week 6 of my CPE internship. I haven't blogged since I started because a. I haven't had a lot of time and b. it is hard to really put into words my experience of the last 5 weeks. I'll try my best to put an update in a few tidbits...

--A large part of CPE is group time. We meet 3 times a week for several hours to go over written reflections and encourage and challenge one another. I am in a diverse group of people...myself, another twenty something, a 67 year old, and then 3 coworkers that have 24 year old daughters. There are 3 women and 3 men and we are facilited by a supervisor. I was concerned at how the age difference would play out but it turns out that I could not ask for a better group. We all have our differences but in the end it's a really safe space to try new things and process what we are doing on the hospital floors.

--I am the chaplain for 2 units: a floor that has patients that need to be monitored at all times but aren't serious enough to be in ICU--it's kind of a catch all unit; and a rehabilitation unit. It's been fun to get to know the staffs on both units-I am continually amazed by the hard work of nurses! On my catch all floor the patients leave every couple days so I rarely see them more than once. But on my rehab unit patients stay around 2 weeks...sometimes more. Yesterday I celebrated with a patient that had been in rehab for 6 weeks--she had been there longer than I had. While I enjoy being a chaplain on the catch all floor I have to admit I love the rehab unit because I can get to know the patients and their families so much better.

--I also am on call about once a week--a time when I get called in no matter what hour of the day. So far there haven't been any middle of the night calls but I'm betting I'll have at least one before it's over.

--I totally see why CPE is required for all PCUSA ordination canidates. I have been confronted in dealing with issues including--death, terminal illness, bioethic end of life issues, growing old... It hasn't been easy for me to deal with the stuff but I do realize that all of these things are facts of life. I was reading over my systematic theology notes from Ray Anderson and he said that "love has to be big enough to encompass the tragic...realize that when a baby is born then it is inevitable that that baby will be a person who will die." It's not a pleasant image but it is realistic... So I do feel like I am being prepared to be in ministry and also be a more whole person in general.

--There are many more things I could share... patients that have touched my heart, situations that have pushed me more than I could have ever imagined, putting my theology into practice, and the development of my professional and pastoral identities... But for now I want to celebrate that I am halfway done, and that, my friends, is exciting.